{"id":584631,"date":"2016-08-31T14:37:58","date_gmt":"2016-08-31T18:37:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/joangarry.com\/?p=584631"},"modified":"2022-06-27T10:29:42","modified_gmt":"2022-06-27T14:29:42","slug":"how-to-deal-with-difficult-people","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/joangarry.com\/how-to-deal-with-difficult-people\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Deal With Difficult People"},"content":{"rendered":"

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We all have difficult people in our lives.<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re involved with a nonprofit, maybe that\u2019s your boss. Or a board member who doesn\u2019t trust you. A very demanding client. Or a staff member who constantly misses deadlines.<\/p>\n

I recently received an email from a nonprofit leader who had all<\/em> of these malcontents in her life. While it\u2019s hard to know for sure from an email, I sensed that this woman was competent. Definitely not whiny nor playing the victim.<\/p>\n

\u201cI know this kind of stuff goes on all around the world, every single day,\u201d she said. \u201cSome people can\u2019t seem to behave.\u201d<\/p>\n

She continued to describe more obstacles and downright silliness, ending with, \u201cI suppose all of this is to say that some guidance on how to deal\u00a0with difficult people would be helpful.\u201d<\/p>\n

Now I have previously written about dealing with toxic board members<\/a> and how to fire a staff member.<\/a><\/p>\n

But the uber question (not meaning the car service) about how to deal with difficult people in general? Goodness knows there are many other people far more equipped to offer advice than me.<\/p>\n

That said, I am never short on opinions. And so in that spirit I offer my own “Top 10” list of how to\u00a0deal with difficult people.<\/p>\n

BUT FIRST THINGS FIRST<\/h2>\n<\/p>\n

One important thing to consider before we get to the list.<\/p>\n

Look in the mirror.<\/strong><\/p>\n

Let\u2019s start with the toughest and most obvious question. If you are surrounded by people you perceive to be difficult, is it possible that YOU are the problem?<\/p>\n

Describe one of the problem situations to someone you know well outside of work. Get a reality check. Maybe you are (a) overly sensitive (b) overly demanding (c) forgetting that someone is a volunteer (d) burned out (e) tired of staring at challenging cash flow numbers (f) can\u2019t get a decent celebrity for your gala or (g) all of the above.<\/p>\n

OK, now that we know that it could not possibly be you, here are 10 strategies you might consider trying when dealing with difficult people in your organization.<\/p>\n

JOAN\u2019S TOP 10\u00a0STRATEGIES FOR HOW TO DEAL WITH\u00a0DIFFICULT PEOPLE<\/h2>\n<\/p>\n

1) Listen to learn.<\/h3>\n<\/p>\n

This is a ground rule of mine when I design and facilitate retreats<\/a>. When someone is speaking, you are not waiting impatiently for the other person to finish the thought you are paying no attention to so that you can then offer the perfect rebuttal to prove how right or smart you are.<\/p>\n

You are listening because you may actually learn something (and not just how difficult the person is). You might hear a clue that helps you decode what is causing the difficulty and thus how to resolve it.<\/p>\n

2) Create a custom dartboard (or two).<\/h3>\n<\/p>\n

For the record, during my own tenure as an Executive Director and as a board leader, I never actually ordered one of these. But in the spirit of full disclosure, I did research my options. Here is the best one<\/a>.<\/p>\n

An important reminder \u2013 this is something you keep in the privacy of your own home.<\/p>\n

3) Kill \u2018em with kindness.<\/h3>\n<\/p>\n

The nonprofit sector tends to attract pleasers — folks who like people to like them. As a trait it can be a liability — it can be hard to say no<\/a>.<\/p>\n

But I like a strategy filled with, \u201cOh, what a fantastic idea \u2013 I hadn\u2019t thought of holding a board meeting at a circus camp<\/em> \u2013 let me look into that and see what that would look like.\u201d <\/em>Don\u2019t lead with no. Lead with validation. And if there is a no to follow, maybe there is someone else who can deliver it.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m also a big believer in apologies. At galas, I would travel to the back of the room to the tables with obstructed views (or the tables that saw the entrees come out before everyone else did). I\u2019d thank them for coming and yes, I would apologize for the seating. It wasn\u2019t easy.<\/p>\n

Think about how you can neutralize difficulty. Or preempt it.<\/p>\n

4) Recruit with attention to attributes.<\/h3>\n<\/p>\n

Here\u2019s a simple one. Do what you can to avoid bringing difficult people onto your organizational bus in the first place. Then the question of\u00a0how to deal with\u00a0difficult people becomes less important. Pay close attention to attributes, not just skills.<\/p>\n

As part of work I am doing with the leadership team of a nonprofit, we visited Hospitality Quotient<\/a>.\u00a0Started by restaurateur Danny Meyer, the consulting firm helps organizations create great work environments and great client experiences. Danny says it starts with the folks you bring onto the bus. He talks about recruiting for folks whose skills are 49% technical and 51% emotional. Here\u2019s his emotional list. It\u2019s a good one. He tells folks to look for:<\/p>\n